cereus: Swirls of dark nighttime colors with the word Bats (bats)
So I finally watched Princess Tutu!  Partly because I had seen and heard good things about it at Sakura Con, but the final straw was that Mark Oshiro watched it and the reviews sounded really interesting.

So I got it out from Netflix.

The main plot of the show revolves around this young man named Mytho who doesn't seem to have feelings or a lot of self-will.  And "Ahiru" (which literally means duck in Japanese :P) this young woman (who is actually a duck that can transform herself into a human) who decides she's going to do what she can to help.

And it turns out that Mytho is actually the "prince" from the old story "the Prince and the Raven" who eternally battled the Raven and shattered his heart to seal the Raven away...

"This is great!" said the author, who was supposed to have died...

And it struck me how familiar Mytho's situation was.   From times in the past.  Reminds me of stumbling around like a kitten after getting out of all the therapy and off meds.   I mean, how often do we shatter our own hearts to keep "The Raven" (mental illness, disability, whatever) from affecting others?  Even though "The Raven" is also us.  How often are our whole lives cast as that struggle?  And yet the whole story was made up by someone, and  we can say if we want "wow, this story is kind of bogus".  But we don't learn that  except by ourselves, usually.

Spoilers ahead:

And the revelation that Fakir, who controls and behaves really cruelly towards Mytho to keep him from regaining his heart, was asked by Mytho to shatter his heart in the first place and thinks of himself as pretty much an extension of Mytho's will, as his servant - brings up questions of Inside versus Outside Safety.

And in terms of plural stuff - some of us ended up pretty much being the groups personal Fakir.  Including one of us who was one of the best at passing insisting on "Fronting" almost constantly even though the stress made him so snappy that he/I was cruel and abusive to pretty much everyone in system.  Not that that excuses anything I did, but at the time it was part of a great work of protection.
cereus: Ringtail Cat climbing tree (Default)
part 1

Personal experiences - within and fitting in

I have been slowly writing a series of posts on how being both Trans and Disabled/Neurodivergent interact with eachother.  For me they are tangled together.

I am trans but a lot of trans-ness seems to get explained in terms of gender identity.

I don't really have this thing called "Gender Identity".

I have experiences.  My body is shaped in certain ways, I have a large-ish bosom and curves.  But I've also felt other things - sensations that make more sense coming from another form.  I mis-judge distances between hips and objects, topping in bed (in the sense many gay men use it) feels as natural as breathing.  I have dysphoria - although sometimes "dissonance" would be more accurate.  Sometimes it burns like fire, but sometimes it is merely this doubled sensation.  Which can be be neutral.  Sometimes it even leads beautiful places.  There is sweetness and thorns.  But because of that I act in ways that some people consider "unacceptable" for my assigned gender.  I also accept and love my body in many ways. I *am* my body in many ways.

I also go against how people of my assigned gender are supposed to act, people have told me that.

I don't really have this thing called "Gender Identity".

But I am not a person who can live in a vacuum without other people.    Be surrounded by them, but unconnected and isolated.  I want to talk about things with others.  I am part of that sea.  So I need words.  With my experiences, in some circles I would be considered a Trans Man (with very low dysphoria).  And so I am.  In some circles someone with these experiences would be considered an Androgyne.  Or Genderfluid.  But these are not really my words.  I am borrowing them so we can be on the same page.  And the changes are not changes in me, just what I am called.

Though others may have had some say
in building up their book of rules,
I had mine given without want,
I couldn’t build one, had no tools.My book has not, my name upon it.
It feels unlike mine in hand.
If not that I relied upon it,
I’d let it fall like grains of sand.

-Donna Williams (from Not Just Anything)
In this culture, there are ceremonial roles for Women/girls and Men/boys.  There are almost never ceremonial roles for in-between people.  I care deeply about Ceremony and Ritual (in some ways)  I can't not. So in ceremonial instances I have to choose - and I prefer to go with the male role it feels more comfortable . (This includes things like whether it is needed to keep your head covered, etc.)

But a lot of how I act does not necessarily have to do with sex/gender.  I have certain things I'm good at and like to do.  I love to cook, garden, knit, work with metal. My "role" has more to do with these things than what's between my legs or what I do with it.  Some of what I am is labeled feminine, some masculine.  What I wear is a lot about colors and what they invoke.  I attempt to invoke many things and gender is only one of them in a long list.  Branches and moss, fire and earth, rose petals and blood.  I do occasionally wear things to look masculine, and some "feminine" things make me feel sick and frightened because of things that happened.

I am Trans.  But the rest...

cereus: Ringtail Cat climbing tree (Default)

I've been reading some stuff about consent recently, and it's all about spoken consent and how that's super important.

Here's one of the articles I'm talking about:


And a Good response on Tumblr:


Bunch of Personal Musings About BDSM stuff - not graphic )

May 2017



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