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cereusConsent
I've been reading some stuff about consent recently, and it's all about spoken consent and how that's super important.
Here's one of the articles I'm talking about:
http://disabling-queer.dreamwidth.org/737.html
And a Good response on Tumblr:
http://littlemissmutant.tumblr.com/post/9441620674/autostraddle-how-i-learned-to-talk-in-bed-why-this
So, Safewords,
I've never had a spoken safeword, I've had lots of good "scenes" and stopped when I've needed to.
Safewords are *supposed* to be words though.
When I can't speak is mostly when I'm emotionally charged, or sensory overloaded, or intellectually overloaded. Which good sex is going to be at least the first two. And if it turns scary (when you need the safeword). It gets even more so.
Also: Overload and Emotion are not always bad. (/end aside)
Safewords are also supposed to be words you wouldn't usually use in any ordinary circumstance. The words I can actually use are the ones I say the most. Doubly so if I've never even heard the word said. Then it's almost impossible. So you can see how this is not going to work out.
(Which BTW, is why my partner and others thought I was a prude at first, totally embarrassed by sex. I couldn't say certain words. No one walks around saying vagina and penis and labia and cunt. Reading them? Oh yes. Does that do any good? No.)
So, what actually works: I have a series of taps for letting my partners know if things are going too far. Works in pretty much any position and is almost automatic. Also guiding someone's hand to a particular area is a pretty definite sign of "yes". And can be hot, too.
I've had an ex-girlfriend tell me my "safe-whatever" wasn't good enough. Eek! FFFUUUU
But the parts of the BDSM community I've seen are pretty big on "everyone does stuff their own way" so it works out. But I worry about the places where it isn't that way and people get the literature and Have To Follow The Rules.
And:
If I had to do spoken consent, me (and my partner) would be having a lot less sex, and that would suck. :)
I've been reading some stuff about consent recently, and it's all about spoken consent and how that's super important.
Here's one of the articles I'm talking about:
http://disabling-queer.dreamwidth.org/737.html
And a Good response on Tumblr:
http://littlemissmutant.tumblr.com/post/9441620674/autostraddle-how-i-learned-to-talk-in-bed-why-this
So, Safewords,
I've never had a spoken safeword, I've had lots of good "scenes" and stopped when I've needed to.
Safewords are *supposed* to be words though.
When I can't speak is mostly when I'm emotionally charged, or sensory overloaded, or intellectually overloaded. Which good sex is going to be at least the first two. And if it turns scary (when you need the safeword). It gets even more so.
Also: Overload and Emotion are not always bad. (/end aside)
Safewords are also supposed to be words you wouldn't usually use in any ordinary circumstance. The words I can actually use are the ones I say the most. Doubly so if I've never even heard the word said. Then it's almost impossible. So you can see how this is not going to work out.
(Which BTW, is why my partner and others thought I was a prude at first, totally embarrassed by sex. I couldn't say certain words. No one walks around saying vagina and penis and labia and cunt. Reading them? Oh yes. Does that do any good? No.)
So, what actually works: I have a series of taps for letting my partners know if things are going too far. Works in pretty much any position and is almost automatic. Also guiding someone's hand to a particular area is a pretty definite sign of "yes". And can be hot, too.
I've had an ex-girlfriend tell me my "safe-whatever" wasn't good enough. Eek! FFFUUUU
But the parts of the BDSM community I've seen are pretty big on "everyone does stuff their own way" so it works out. But I worry about the places where it isn't that way and people get the literature and Have To Follow The Rules.
And:
If I had to do spoken consent, me (and my partner) would be having a lot less sex, and that would suck. :)
