cereus: Hot Spring in Yellowstone with a Rainbow of Microbes (Extremophiles)
I'm still alive.

For those of you on DW that I converse with - I haven't been ignoring any of you for personal reasons.  And I still will post sometimes.

But I realized something - using words takes a toll on me.  A big toll.  And right now I am studying at University - which means that using words is at the *heart* of many of my duties as a student.  So by the time the semester ended, I had to take a break from all of that - to avoid going down in flames.

But the other side to this (the Good side). Is that as soon as it was all over,  as soon as I stepped back,  Parts of my emotions, joyful, connected parts that I hadn't felt all autumn - they came back.  Slowly and with a *lot* of pain sometimes.  But they came back.

Just wanting to say that these things are not lost forever.

Burt school is pretty close again, so I might not be posting or replying very much.

But I still care about you all and wish the best for you this new year.

And happy new Baktun to you all!

May the Sixth World treat you well and bring you what you need.

cereus: Hot Spring in Yellowstone with a Rainbow of Microbes (Extremophiles)
Nov 1st is Autistics Speaking Day!

Since I'm not particularly word-based right now and so much of my experience of autism is the world outside of words (and the connections and joys that go with that),  today is going to be a picture day.
This is a celebration in photos:

reflection of sky in a little puddlelizard blending in sand
the most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious it is the root of all art and science -einstein

cereus: Swirls of dark nighttime colors with the word Bats (bats)

From a comic called Theri There

(Image description: A bunch of people in business clothes far in the background.  In the foreground, a tiger stripping off a business suit with a look of confidence and joy. The words: “Halloween is when our costumes are taken off”)

Happy Halloween to everyone.

cereus: Ringtail Cat climbing tree (Default)
Paul Muldoon is an Irish poet who is living and working now.

Hedgehog by Paul Muldoon )
Also a Happy Belated-by-almost-a-month Birthday to Walt Whitman

  -  a link to an Online Copy of Leaves of Grass, a large book of his poems.

From Leaves of Grass )

cereus: Ringtail Cat climbing tree (Default)
[Error: unknown template qotd]
Writer's Block QOTD: What was the last time you cried?

 Actually, it probably was allergies, considering they're flaring up a little. XD

But probably it was the yearning ache and joy of seeing the thunderheads massing on the horizon.  Feeling the chill creosote-scented wind, and then feeling the first drops on your face.  The whole desert aching for that touch and then that touch's fulfillment.
cereus: Ringtail Cat climbing tree (Peace)
Wren and Raven are going to be joining me and my immediate family for thanksgiving.

So I feel like my whole family will be there.


*Sigh* :)

Oct. 17th, 2009 01:58 pm
cereus: Ringtail Cat climbing tree (Chani)
Spent the evening with Wren (my girlfriend). Life is good.


Aug. 3rd, 2009 12:07 pm
cereus: Ringtail Cat climbing tree (Ghamina)
So, the girl I met on the bus a while back... (damn, she needs a moniker on this blog)...  and I spent this sunday together.  Anyway she met my liege lord, boyfriend, whatever you want to call him and they like eachother.  None of us have any problems with sharing.  So things will eventually work out how they're going to work out, and so far that's looking pretty good :).

We went over to the desert museum and walked until it closed, and then we still were talking, so we ended up, the three of us, sacked out on my bedroom floor for a few more hours.  Then I took her home.  I don't know why, but the whole chivalric butch dance is actually really hot even though it has nothing to do with actual physical contact.   (I need to think)  She also agreed although from the opposite side.    It helped that saying goodbye on her doorstep ended up turning into a long kiss.
cereus: Ringtail Cat climbing tree (Chani)

So much is going right in my life right now.  Raven and I have had the most incredible conversations and we’re very close right now – doors opening that have never been open (at least in words)  I’ve got what’s pretty close to a taste of my dream job in the form of an internship.  I’m (hopefully) going back to college soon. The girl from the bus and I have been hanging out. I am at home with my loved Desert. There’s this bubble of happy that keeps on popping up.  And that in and of itself is a good thing.  A year ago I wouldn’t have felt that, I was too burnt out and used up in the aftermath of trying to make myself work where I couldn’t and trying to appear normal. I’m healing. Not that life is perfect, though.  I'm in a sea of paperwork, and sometimes the adrenalin brings back the old tightness in my lungs and a hint of the burned-out feeling.  but still.

I should write more about it later. But here's a summary.
I spent time before not just scared but also using adrenalin to hotwire my body into "normal" speed via fight or flight.  It worked (pretty much) but the slightest bit of adrenalin became painful (and forget about endorphins) but now I've been rationing it for life and limb purposes and it's receeding.


May. 13th, 2009 02:56 pm
cereus: Ringtail Cat climbing tree (Default)
OK : Warning this is going to be a really rough draft.  But I've been thinking about this for years and I'm finally getting to the point where I can sorta-write about it.  I know - I come up with big Ideas, but it can take months/years to say them - it makes for sucky conversation.  And the latest post on SM-F triggered this.  Because I see one attitude in rape and the other in BDSM I guess.

One of the things that bugs me is the way stoicism gets put up on some pedestal and masochism gets dragged through the dirt.

Stoicism - going into a bad situation DESPITE the fact that you hate it for the benefit of others.

Masochism: going into a bad, dangerous, scary, difficult situation BECAUSE it's something you can enjoy or get something out of that might benefit other people.

It seems that the first one makes you a hero, the second one makes you a creep.

I can't afford to be stoic, it's like my mortal enemy.  I see myself stuck in a bad situation that I don't want to be in, frozen because I should just be self sacrificing and put up with it.  Going Numb. I see myself turning away from enjoyable things (that others might even appreciate me doing) because I might enjoy them and that would be sick.

Or dancing trough flames, unharmed.  A plant rooted in bare rock, my face turned towards the unmitigated sun, the monsoon deluge.
(Or in Dune, transforming the Water from poison into the stuff of visions ;) )

Numbness and pain, or joy.

My experience with SM and Hypersensitivity/Autism actually are mutually beneficial because they both show how to enjoy myself even if it means doing something different than other people find enjoyable.  I can put a soft limit on sustained social interaction and noisy places (and cold :( ).  I can fully enjoy 100+ temperatures.  My body can perform miracles, It Comes First.  No matter if what it wants is not what it's supposed to.


May. 12th, 2009 05:12 pm
cereus: Ringtail Cat climbing tree (Ghamina)
Went out to lunch with the cute girl I met on the bus.  We talked about gardening and how to fix the bus system.... and lots of other stuff.
And the hug...
Gods, I've got butterflies.  *blushes*
cereus: Ringtail Cat climbing tree (NightCereus)
I love Nightwish.  Especially for songs like this.

Over the Hill:

I'm rather on a binge right now.  I got a new disk from the local secondhad book store.

I've also been on the wane as far as writing goes.  This happens - with my interaction with people in general not just writing.  I see so much more of the non-human world, though.  Sometimes I just have to immerse myself in one world or the other.

Also, If someone would tell me how to embed movies.... I'd be grateful.

EDIT:  Here's another Entry  on "Waning" and "Waxing" by a different blogger.  And actually a slightly more eloquent post than mine.
cereus: Cereus cactus blossom (Cereus)
The first kisses of the sun....
The sun is an enemy, a foil, a teacher.  He gives more than we can ever handle, dries puddles, fosters fire.  the lord of the drought and the wildfire.  He is merciless.

The sun is also a font of life.  All energy has it's primal source in his nuclear power.  He gives too much, the light that feeds us all also dries the water from our skin.  He is generous.  When we band together against him he teaches us generosity.   He is the father of all life.

The light, heat and the crackling burn of ultraviolet rays on my skin blend into one golden thing - that washes over my skin, soothing.  It  envelops my body, erases my boundaries - calls forth an answering fire within me.

The first kisses of the Sun.  Burning me, taking me, healing me.

May 2017



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