We're both grappling with this stuff still, but this Night took a lot of the stress away.
( Scene description here... )
Healing is good, whatever form it takes.
Warning: Rough draft. Rough and incoherent.
Snowdrop Explodes has brought to my attention this survey:
So if you've ever been discriminated against or afraid to reveal what you do, go over there and talk to the surveyers.
Something Raven said recently: "It seems like I'm freer than ever" Sometimes two-person (scratch that any intimate relationship) can be a place of freedom, to try stuff out, to say things you've never said before.
On the other hand, I've been having a good rope-filled night. :)
OK maybe I'm not quite back. but getting there.
In some ways SM almost seems to be about emulating or channeling divinity. The top is omnipotent, and the bottom is immortal. The top can not only literally do anything but also knows deep things about their partner (omniscience?) and can have the experience of exercising that power justly. The feeling of just passing through things that may kill you and emerging unharmed. Taking all the destructive forces into your body and transforming them into life giving energy. And plus being indestructible and all that – that’s probably how the gods would roll if they existed. ;) (I’m not saying they don’t I just have no empirical way to find out and don’t care much)
One of the things that bugs me is the way stoicism gets put up on some pedestal and masochism gets dragged through the dirt.
Stoicism - going into a bad situation DESPITE the fact that you hate it for the benefit of others.
Masochism: going into a bad, dangerous, scary, difficult situation BECAUSE it's something you can enjoy or get something out of that might benefit other people.
It seems that the first one makes you a hero, the second one makes you a creep.
I can't afford to be stoic, it's like my mortal enemy. I see myself stuck in a bad situation that I don't want to be in, frozen because I should just be self sacrificing and put up with it. Going Numb. I see myself turning away from enjoyable things (that others might even appreciate me doing) because I might enjoy them and that would be sick.
Or dancing trough flames, unharmed. A plant rooted in bare rock, my face turned towards the unmitigated sun, the monsoon deluge.
(Or in Dune, transforming the Water from poison into the stuff of visions ;) )
Numbness and pain, or joy.
My experience with SM and Hypersensitivity/Autism actually are mutually beneficial because they both show how to enjoy myself even if it means doing something different than other people find enjoyable. I can put a soft limit on sustained social interaction and noisy places (and cold :( ). I can fully enjoy 100+ temperatures. My body can perform miracles, It Comes First. No matter if what it wants is not what it's supposed to.
One of the biggest problems I've found within the BDSM community - or at least between the community and interested vanilla people is the ever-tricky problem of how to speak of the pleasure-inducing, consensual experience of what could otherwise be a negative experience.
(the biggest example being "rape" or rape-play)
In nature, everything is made of electrons and protons - but there are also small quantities of anti-protons and positrons which have the same properties as the normal matter, but opposite charges. Maybe this would be a good metaphor to use.
so... Antipain or Posipain. ;)
(I was thinking of this when mulling over how BDSM pain seems to genuinely counteract actual pain and stress)
EDIT: Actually maybe "Pain" should apply to the positive stuff and "Antipain" to the stuff that harms. The good, blessed stuff was here first. And the one sounds exactly how it feels.
Also, The two are the same at the root. the one seems to be just a perversion of the other. Like rape is a perversion of sex. I think that that's why rape/violence hurts like it does, because it's someone making your body respond - When you and your body should be one - inseparable, responding only to each other's desires.
The sun is an enemy, a foil, a teacher. He gives more than we can ever handle, dries puddles, fosters fire. the lord of the drought and the wildfire. He is merciless.
The sun is also a font of life. All energy has it's primal source in his nuclear power. He gives too much, the light that feeds us all also dries the water from our skin. He is generous. When we band together against him he teaches us generosity. He is the father of all life.
The light, heat and the crackling burn of ultraviolet rays on my skin blend into one golden thing - that washes over my skin, soothing. It envelops my body, erases my boundaries - calls forth an answering fire within me.
The first kisses of the Sun. Burning me, taking me, healing me.
The man credited with the first widely-read explanation of evolution.
I'll let him speak in his own words:
It is interesting to contemplate an entangled bank, clothed with many plants of many kinds, with birds singing on the bushes, with various insects flitting about, and with worms crawling through the damp earth, and to reflect that these elaborately constructed forms, so different from each other, and dependent on each other in so complex a manner, have all been produced by laws acting around us. These laws, taken in the largest sense, being Growth with Reproduction; Inheritance which is almost implied by reproduction; variability from the indirect and direct action of the external conditions of life, and from use and disuse; a Ratio of Increase so high as to lead to a Struggle for Life, and as a consequence to Natural Selection, entailing Divergence of Character and the Extinction of less-improved forms. Thus, from the war of nature, from famine and death, the most exalted object which we are capable of conceiving, namely, the production of the higher animals, directly follows. There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers, having been originally breathed by the Creator into a few forms or into one; and that, whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved.
(bolding is mine)
That's what it feels like. In the middle of the scene. Like life springing from death.
I'd rather rejoice that life creates new forms and gains energy from death.